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I Guess I'm Finding Out

from stupid little heart by Barabbas T Jones

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about

I grew up in a house full of chaos and people. Once I moved out on my own I missed the people and brought the chaos with me. I spent years and years looking for God by any other name. Hoping arrogance was enough to keep me alive. I have been very lucky in my life. My wife and the home we have made together give me a picture of peace each day that I carry to the harshness I meet in the world. But somewhere deep deep down I am still a child begging someone to love me more than they love anything else. I take that with me too.

lyrics

I've been suppressing my evil with drinking and smoking but I feel every need as a white guy and human to fuck up far more than I know how to fix
and I've been denying my desire to call up my family and scream at the tips of my lungs to try and say I'm very sorry for this

but someday I will be
more than I am now
someday I will be
better than I know how
but someday I will be
more than I am now
I don't know when
But I guess I'll find out

hours and hours spent looking at tvs the only thing ive seen more than my own feet I wish I had known how to love myself but I've never been good at dealing with strangers which makes life much harder with a chest full of anger because every day I wake up as somebody else

but someday I will be
more than I am now
someday I will be
better than I know how
but someday I will be
more than I am now
I don't know when
But I guess I'm finding out

credits

from stupid little heart, released October 6, 2019

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Barabbas T Jones Nashville, Tennessee

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